Notes from an online conversation.
Why am I writing this? Because I don’t offer advice lightly in the online communities I operate in – only when I have something of substance which I genuinely think would be useful.
Someone wrote:
Going to see a friend in hospice tomorrow. Any tips on how to deal appreciated.
I didn’t expect to have an answer beyond empathy, but I found I had things to say. I am recording them here as a note that I do have thoughts on grief (even though it’s an area I am very much starting to explore more deeply); they are informed by personal experience of loss, as well as my person-centred facilitation practice. How do you hold space for someone, and what does that look like when they’re dying?
- When you arrive instead of “how are you?”, you can ask “how are you feeling today?”, which focuses on the moment rather than the enormity of what is going on, and gives them the chance to set the tone of what they want to talk about (physical or emotional stuff).
- Take your cue from them, talk about what they want to talk about – whether they’re keeping it light and breezy, or want to talk about deep feelings.
- If you’re at a loss for words at any point, just hold their hand. Touch speaks volumes. It’s okay to be silent together.
- After a while if you’re not sure whether you should leave or stay some more, ask them what they would prefer.
- Have someone you can talk to, and offload / process with, afterwards.
- It’s okay to cry in the car afterwards. Or the next day. Or a week later.(*) Anticipatory grief (starting to grieve for something that hasn’t happened yet) is weird and unique to each situation and person, like grief in general.
(*) Or indeed before or not at all.
EDIT – someone else added this which I hadn’t thought about:
- Every conversation is a gift. Even if the topics are light or fluffy, the time spent together is the important part. The fact that you are showing up for your friend is all that really matters.
Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash